Life is not fair 
March 17, 2018

"what is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives" - Rupi Kuar

Sometimes I wonder if I did my children a disservice when they were little- measuring the slice of cake with a ruler, making sure their pieces were exact in size, weight and dollop of icing. Always mindful of the checks and balances- quality time with mom, amount of presents under the tree, time spent in the front seat of the car. If you have children, you know what I’m referring to. Fairness. Teaching them that life is fair, and more so, that I had the power to make it fair for them.

Lie.

Here is the issue: it is an undeniable fact that life is not fair. One need look no further than the evening news, or within the close circle of our friendships, or inside our own families to learn this truth. People we love die, spouses divorce us, we get diagnosed with cancer, we can’t get pregnant when we want to start a family, we experience violence against our bodies, people betray and let us down. Fact.

We have been sold the lie that our lives should be free from suffering; drinking the Kool Aid that if we treat others well, pay our taxes, go to church, and follow the rules that we’ve earned a life of little hardship. And because we have so fully embraced this lie, we often get very angry at life and maybe at God and at anyone and everyone we can find to blame. We can find ourselves stuck in the “it ain’t right” and the “what ifs” and the “why me?” and the old classic… “IT’S NOT FAIR!”

And these experiences aren’t right, and could have been different, and shouldn’t be happening to you and aren’t fair. Yet they happen anyway. And they also happen to everyone; this is simply a part of being human. Suffering is universal, part of the contract of living, whether we remember signing on the dotted line or not.

The issue I take up with this lie is that it adds depths to the pain and despair of these moments. It keeps us stuck, it shuts down our ability to see goodness, it makes us afraid and closed off. It traps us from our personal responsibility to rise and heal ourselves. It steals our ability to find even fleeting moments of joy and gratitude.

Now please do not misunderstand me, when pain comes our way, we need to feel all the feelings- anger, grief, betrayal, and even the numbness. Experiencing these feelings is a necessary part of the process that moves us toward healing. We must feel them deeply…. Then, (and this is the crux) ask ourselves this question: how can I respond to this moment with grace, courage and love? This is our task, my friends, when life rocks us to our core. Grace. Courage. Love. And hold on like hell to any moments of joy. Celebrate them. Express gratitude for them. They still exist and will return again if we allow ourselves to remain open.

For those of you have gone through a trauma (or more than one), such as what I have described above, you know it irrevocably changes the way we experience the world. One day life feels safe and predictable, the next all has changed. A wonderful mentor of mine once said this to me: “Life has always been unfair, unpredictable, and full of hardship. The veil has simply been lifted for you. That’s called wisdom.”

I need to give credit where credit is due as these lessons were gifted to me in my own moments of suffering. Thank you: Dave Phillips, Vikki Reynolds, Chris, Cath, Shawna, and my Onion ladies, you know who you are.

As always, wishing you peace,

Christina



By Christina Henderson June 4, 2025
Stay tuned: Fall 2024 Clients and community members will be invited to share their art- on what it means to be human, to suffer and to heal.
long wooden bridge pathway in a lush forest representing the feeling of wading through anxiety and depression
By Christina Henderson June 4, 2025
I often struggle with the concept of clinical diagnosis, in particular the common ones in our culture: anxiety and depression. My issue is simple: we too often take normal and valid feelings, that are part of the human experience, then medicalize them as problematic. The response then is to “get rid of” rather than be curious about what these emotions are trying to communicate to us. I have my own experience with on-again, off-again depression. When it’s at its worst, I’d certainly meet clinical criteria: a sense of hopelessness, low mood and motivation, isolation, wanting to sleep a lot but finding it evasive, lack of enjoyment for anything I have loved. You know the drill. But when we start to untangle the why, really look deeply at the list of ingredients making up this soup of depression (or anxiety or other struggles), we begin to realize that these feelings, in fact, make perfect sense. And they are trying to communicate something to us that deserves a listen. Rather than banish the depression or ignore the anxiety, we need to dig a little deeper. And your unique blend of experiences, or your soup (if you will), will help you figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself better. In my case, depression is almost ALWAYS trying to tell me I’m burnt out. It is the only part of me that will put me to bed, remove all pressure for productivity or replying to messages or emails. It wants or needs nothing from me except rest. Clients I work with might notice their depression is driven by underlying shame, or by feeling lost or stuck in their life. They might be carrying grief from losses not yet named or processed. Anxiety too- the world is a scary place right now, and we are so overly exposed to global and local traumas. Perhaps you didn’t feel safe in childhood and that fear has been carried in your body in your adult life. Perhaps you really are in an unsafe situation and your fear is trying to communicate this lack of safety to you. What I am trying to say is… A diagnosis of depression or anxiety does nothing to improve our well-being on a deeper level. We must become detectives of our own suffering. Only then can we learn to move with more self-compassion and grace, to set boundaries when needed, to let go of what we cannot control, to figure out what specialists we may need to see, to rest when we need to, to grieve the losses of our lifetime, and to feel the fears of uncertainty that we all face, every single day. This is where counselling helps. This is what we do. We help you untangle the mess, learn your ingredients, heal what needs to be healed so you can do what you need to do to feel better. Or to simply be with yourself more kindly when it hurts. Sending love,  Christina
woman reads a book and drinks tea learning about surviving love and loss
By Christina Henderson August 3, 2023
“To be human is to survive love and loss.” – Francis Weller
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