Have you ever wondered, “ What the #$*! was I thinking?” in response to a past decision?

Yup… Me neither ;)

I said once in a previous post: life is messy. What may not have been mentioned is that at times, it’s our own decisions that make it messy. It’s true. We are human. We are imperfect. We make mistakes, as shown by the many life twisting, heart hurting, crazy-making situations we create and face. Sure, some of these “What the heck moments” may be trivial, embarrassing and may have even become the source of much laughter. “ Remember that time …(insert impulsive and perhaps juvenile decision here). These are the moments that can be shaken off or become crowd-pleasing stories that are strangely nostalgic. But there are also those decision-making moments that seem to color life with deep shades of regret and shame. You know those decisions that seemingly alter the course of life, perhaps bring about a sinking feeling of failure, or are maybe carried around like heavy chains to a past that can’t be undone? These are the “what the #$*! was I thinking” experiences I want to bring to attention.

Why? Well, I promise it’s not to compare our questionable moments… while I have no doubt that could make quite the collective narrative! No, the reason is because it’s a perfect context to introduce the idea of self-compassion.

Self-compassion is simply being kind and understanding of ourselves, even when we fall short of our ideals and screw up. Think: Gentleness. The warmth we may extend to someone else experiencing distress, we extend to our self. We all have moments where our inadequacies lead to messy and maybe painful experiences. Rather than hammering ourselves with self-judgment, self-compassion asks what we need to comfort and care for ourselves. It’s about turning compassion inward.

Self-compassion is not a wimpy, spineless or pity filled self-indulgence. It’s not about letting our self off the hook for things we need to take responsibility for. But it is a practice that frees us from turning the boxing gloves on ourselves; a way of sidestepping the hits of judgment and criticism that no doubt push us into a corner of shame, doubt and even self-loathing.

If you were to consider a “what the #$*! was I thinking” moment you’ve confronted, what feelings, thoughts, and judgments come to mind? While the details may differ, I suspect some of us would come up with versions of cold, harsh, and condemning reactions to ourselves, adding insult to injury.

Now consider…

• What if you instead offered up grace and gentleness? What does this voice sound like? What might it say?
• What shifts if you skip the rigid judgments of yourself? Perhaps in fact, you are neither “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” but merely human.
• If you are in fact just human, are you not worthy of love and respect, even from yourself?
• How might your words, gestures and kindness shift if you were talking to a good friend struggling with the same difficulty? What changes if you were to consider the little child within and be mindful of how you’re speaking to this younger self?
• What happens if you were to remind yourself that you likely did the best you could, with what you knew and had at that particular time?
• How might your perception of yourself change if you were curious of how you got to your “What the &*$! was I thinking?” action? What factors may have contributed to this?
• By being curious of what may have influenced you, what do you learn about yourself?
• What if you were to accept that when we mess up, we do just that… mess up. We ourselves are not THE mess up. In the face of kind acceptance, we can confront the truth about our self and our actions. And this compassion can be extended to our self… from our self.
• What might you learn from this experience if not entangled in a web of shame? Our questionable moments will no doubt give us something to carry forward, if we’re compassionate enough with ourselves along the way.

Self-compassion is a practice, a hard practice that may seem foreign if we’re used to the rules of self-criticism. Yet, when one takes on this way of being, good things happen. Research cites that self-compassion in fact leads to resilience, strength, happiness and overall wellbeing. Self-compassion results in increased motivation/productivity, increased responsibility for our actions, and decreased stress, anxiety and depression. This work by Dr. Kristin Neff, a main go-to in the study in this area, will inform a later post on the components of self-compassion. Stay tuned.

A final word for now: Let us step out of the nasty game of self-criticism, a game I trust many of us have mastered. Let us not be ruthlessly harsh with ourselves when wrestling with mistakes and imperfections. Let us instead practice the art of “being kind to self” and deem ourselves worthy of this gentleness. Let us look to create safety within and around ourselves. Such compassion can ease some of the pressure of being… human.

Journeying with you,

Laurie