Some time ago I had a personal epiphany I’d like to share with you in the hopes my growth and learning could be of use, or that you might find some of your truth in my own.

I have always really sucked at setting boundaries and not been entirely clear why that is. In most instances, boundary violations were small, like paper cuts, and never seemed worth the potential conflict to address them. So I would sit in my discomfort and resentment until those paper cuts grew to gaping wounds. From there I tended to respond in one of two ways: cut and run far far away from the relationship, or flip-out and come across as an irrational, crazy person. As you can imagine, neither of these responses have been particularly helpful for my personal growth or the development of healthy relationships.

Before I disclose much more, it might be helpful to share my definition of boundaries with you. It is:

The ability to set limits with people about what is and is not acceptable to protect the various dimensions of our lives including (but not limited to): our bodies, relationships, time, emotions, life stories, money, roles, physical space, and belongings. (I’m going to break this down those dimensions in more depth at the end of this post; you can read more about it if you’re interested.)

If you apply this definition to your own life, you might realize that in some of these dimensions, setting boundaries comes quite easily. You can say “no” at work to protect your home life, if someone borrows something of yours and wrecks it, you can ask them to replace it, no problem. However, you might also find that in particular dimensions of your life, or with particular people, setting boundaries invokes a whole lot of fear and discomfort. In my case, when people overstep my “role” boundary of being a mother, or in close personal relationships where I fear losing that connection, setting boundaries has been near impossible.

Reflecting on this dilemma brought forth a light bulb, life-changing epiphany.

For those of you who took Psych 101, you might recall learning about Cooley’s “looking glass self.” The general idea of this theory is that the way we perceive ourselves is based on the way others see us. Our perception of self is reflected back to us in the thoughts and feelings of others. Our brains are also wired to remember the bad and disregard the good, so typically those negative reflections stand out much more profoundly than the positive.

In my life, not only did those negative reflections stand out, but I believed them to be TRUTH . Not in every area of my life, but certainly in judgments about my motherhood, and certainly in close relationships with people who know me very well (notice these are the areas where I struggled the most with boundaries). Thus to maintain my sense of self, and sense of self-worth in these very vulnerable areas required ensuring the looking glass always reflected positive things about me. Otherwise I was flooded with shame, an emotion one typically tries to avoid at all costs. And that is a tiring dance, my friends, a dance that also gives away a lot of personal power. Plus, sometimes people just aren’t going to like you. I had to learn to stop giving these people the power to define who I was. I had to fix the broken looking glass so that at the end of the day, only my perception of self mattered.

This is how my story connects to boundaries: setting boundaries is nearly impossible if you lack a sense of self and self-worth. This is the foundation of boundaries, the first and most important step. If you have not developed a strong connection with self, the skills to self-validate, and the confidence to keep you rooted in who you are, you will struggle in this area.

My process of connection with self has been a slow one. It grew when I became a mom. It thrived when I found passion in education. It blossomed through meditation and connection to spirituality. It continues to flourish through passions and interests, and grows deeper and more rooted surrounded by a few good people who know and love all of me.

And I’m happy to report, boundaries aren’t so hard these days.

I hope some of my journey might illuminate some of your path as well.

Until next time,

Christina

* Read on below if you are interested in more information about boundaries

Dimensions (or sites) of boundaries

Our bodies: We experience a boundary violation when our physical bodies are touched in a way we have not consented to. We also experience a boundary issue when someone puts our physical safety at risk. An example of this is an angry boyfriend driving a car aggressively mid-fight and refusing requests to slow down. Most people are familiar with the physical “bubble” and personal space, but that is included in this category as well.

Our relationships (2 Parts):

1. Our individual self in relationship: Refers to maintaining our own identity and separate, healthy self in relationship. When this is lacking, it is described as enmeshment. This includes the “needy” boyfriend or girlfriend who, although you cannot quite put your finger on it, seems to want to become “one” with you rather than being a separate person in areas such as interests, identity, and feelings.

2. Our intimate relationships themselves: We experience a boundary violation when other people interfere in our intimate relationships. For example, this might be a mother-in-law who attempts to control/interfere in the behaviors and actions of her grown child to influence a marriage, or an outside person who flirts or engages with one partner in an intimate way.

Our time: When demands on our time exceed our ability to maintain our emotional and mental health so we can perform the tasks required of our life to the best of our ability.

Emotions: This one is probably the most complicated to nail down. Here’s what I’ve come up with: when people use different strategies, such as loud, aggressive anger, the silent treatment, guilt trips, control, or other acts of emotional sabotage that influence us to feel and act in particular ways. What this should look like is when someone attempts to use those emotional methods to influence us, we are able to (a) recognize it; (b) maintain steady and regulated in our own emotions, thoughts and behaviors; (c) respond from a place of solid sense of self.

Life stories: We all have past and current stories of triumph, success, pain, grief, shame, vulnerability etc. These stories are ours. I have heard examples where people in positions of power (counsellors, doctors, teachers etc.) probe for information about people’s stories without purpose. If people are asking you about your story, they should be able to articulate why this is necessary.

Money: This one is easier to define. It is when we give or spend money (often money outside of our budget) in ways we are not comfortable with to appease the needs or rescue others.

Roles: We all have particular roles in life, some which are clearly ascribed by policy (ex. an employment role description), and others more vague and less defined, perhaps understood and internalized by society (ex. mother, husband, daughter). Some examples of role violations include: an employee who begins doing the job of another employee, a step-father who acts as a child’s father when they have a fully involved parent, a mother who treats her child as if they are an adult when they are still in childhood.

Physical space: These boundaries are a little clearer and involve our homes, office spaces, yards, cars etc. Often parents of teenagers experience the frustrating boundary dilemma of their teenager leaving mess wherever they go, inviting friends over without permission, and having their belongings broken.

Belongings: This involves the ownership of our own “stuff,” our cell phones, diaries, clothing, books etc. Boundary violations occur when we invade the privacy of others by going through their phones or borrowing items without asking.

I developed this list from a lot of reading (Drs. Cloud & Townsend) as well in interactions with friends, loved ones and clients. Hope it gave you an “ah-ha” moment or two.