Welcome to part 3 of my 4 part series breaking down The Four Agreements for middle school girls. The third agreement tells us not to make assumptions. In reflecting, I think it is actually the most complex of all 4.
I am going to start this one off by ensuring we have the same understanding of what assumptions are, how and why they get made, and how dangerous they are. If you’re unclear you might find it really challenging to address this concept with your girls.
I want you to consider someone in your life with whom you may be in conflict with. This might be a colleague, your mother-in-law, your partner etc. Someone whose actions just really push your buttons.
When someone else’s behavior bewilders or confuses us or when we just can’t make sense of it, what we tend to do is imagine an explanation. We write a story. This story does not require proof; our imaginations are excellent at filling in the gaps. To add fuel to the fire, when we don’t like someone we also tend to assume the worst of them. So when someone offends us, it tends to sound like this:
You: “They are doing [insert action] intentionally to mess with me/exclude me/be mean etc.” Sometimes we even add something like: “They are crazy/bad/mean [insert judgment on character].”
This is us making an assumption about motivation, intention and character. Out of this, a predictable pattern unfolds:
Can you see the danger? Without any evidence we can create quite a cruel story about people and present it as truth. You can also see how this agreement overlaps with the previous two when we talk about others behind their backs and make things needlessly about us.
A few other key points about assumptions: First, expectations and assumptions go hand-in-hand. We assume our partner knows we want roses for Valentine’s Day, we expect them, and then become disappointed, hurt, and angry when we are given carnations. You get the point. Second, we assume everyone else should see and interpret life the way we do. The reality is, although culturally we have a general set of shared values and beliefs, there is certainly much discrepancy. We therefore have different expectations, ideas, and ways of understanding and responding to situations and relationships.
BUT I have digressed far from middle school girls, so let me bring it back for you:
Agreement 3: Don’t make assumptions
Translation: Not everything you think you know is true
A discussion to have with your girls at any time is to let them know sometimes our thoughts lie to us. Sometimes we can be very sure of things, jump to conclusions, and believe whole heartedly in our “rightness.” Sometimes our thoughts lie to us about all sorts of things. Kids need to learn how to check in with themselves and others about the truth of their assumptions.
How to work through this with your girls: When your girl is in the middle of painful drama and you sense she made some assumptions about the nature of the motivation, intention and character of the other person, there is one miracle question to help tease this out:
“How do you know for sure?”
How do you know for sure she doesn’t like you? How do you know for sure she thinks she’s a better dancer? How do you know for sure she started the rumor? How do you know for sure your teacher hates you? What proof do you have to back this up?
If your girl has evidence to back it up, perhaps she overhead a conversation, was told directly or has some other hard and fast proof, you do what you do as a loved one: provide comfort and safety, distract her by finding a fun activity, help her decide what she wants to do and what role she wants you to play, and remind her “hurt people hurt people” to perhaps help her find some compassion.
If, on the other hand, she stumbles, fumbles, and stutters to back up her story (she might resort to name calling, or simply shut down in her conversation with you) there are some other ways you might respond:
Best of wishes to you and your girls as you learn to check your assumptions, find the courage to ask the right questions, and choose compassion.
Until next week,
“Judge less. Love more.”
A sentiment a friend posted recently that perfectly captured a theme so frequent in the therapeutic conversations had with clients. While her post was originally in context of how we treat others, the notion of “judging less, loving more” is also relevant to how we experience ourselves.
The critical voice that haunts our thoughts, taints our belief in self and doubts our worth is the epitome of judgment; self-judgment that is. And it’s a struggle woven into many of our stories.
“I’m not good enough.” “Everyone else has it all together, what’s wrong with ME?” “There are so many people who have it worse, I need to just suck this up.” “I’m an awful parent.” “I’m too this… I’m too that…”
This critical voice is harsh and slanderous, ripping ourselves away from the truth of who we are. Just as another’s judgmental words can hurt, so too can the judgments we direct inward. They cut. They sting. They trap us in a quiet yet powerful belief that we are somehow less than and that we are perhaps inherently defected.
I’d dare to put money on it that we don’t like it when others judge us. We might even react. We might get upset. We form widespread social movements in response to the judgments and oppressive actions from others. So why is it then that we endure our own judgment of self? How is it that we stand up for others while simultaneously attacking ourselves with scrutiny and criticism?
“Judge less. Love more.” A simple sounding response to the intricate battle described here. And yet it holds so much truth. So much opportunity. It’s a call to step off the battlefield with ourselves and tend to the hurt; to put down the weapons of comparison, perfectionism, name-calling, and “I should” and consider what it might mean to be our own ally. This isn’t about the overused notion of self-esteem or blindly focusing on our strengths. Choosing love is about acceptance. It’s about recognizing ourselves as someone worthy of care and kindness, and having compassion for the flaws and hurts we inevitably carry. This is the position of love. And we can take it up with ourselves.
Journeying with you,Laurie
Shhhhhh! Something I trust we’ve all been told at some point in our lives. Be quiet. Fall into line. Be good. Don’t say that . Consider those childhood times we’ve been told to sit still and be quiet and those adolescent days of being hushed in class. Sure, these may be normal life moments in which we are taught the importance of respect and safety. But when our personal experiences and our innermost being are, “shushed”… well, that’s a different story.
What do I mean be Shhhhh? It is that experience of being silenced, shut down in often devastating ways. Silencing occurs when others diminish, ignore, ridicule or powerfully override who we are and the voices, ideas and experiences we carry. The effect? We feel invisible and often less than. Anxieties and doubt get stirred up in big ways when we cannot be heard or seen for who we are. We may question anything we feel and experience, not believing it is in fact valid because others' responses tell us in some way they’re not. We may eventually silence ourselves… standing in the shadows of others or keeping our words within. When we are silenced, we are unable to live life as our best self. Let me be bold and say that living from this place is no fun at all. In fact, it's pretty awful.
History and world events reveal many populations being silenced through harsh oppression and violence. Silencing may not always be this explicit but it can nonetheless be toxic, within our relationships and to ourselves. What I highlight here are common tactics and relationship dynamics that can have a silencing effect:
· Being told your ideas and opinions are not important
· Pressure to stay quiet so not to rock the boat ie: “ yes, yes, I’m fine.”
· Eye rolls and the dismissive head shake
· Criticism and judgment
· Bullying and intimidation
· Offensive jokes and slurs
· Being directly told that things must not be spoken of
· Being indirectly shown that life experiences are to brushed under the rug and not to be acknowledged
· Having someone share an experience that one-ups whatever we have just shared (Not everything is a competition!)
· Negative reactions or the quick change in topic when discussing things that make others feel uncomfortable
· Having those feelings you just expressed being dismissed, ie: “Don’t be so sensitive” or "Get over it already."
· Being gaslighted: when someone twists information to make you question your understanding of reality, working to discredit and doubt your experience.
The tricky thing is that silencing can be very insidious, at times strategic and at other times, unintentional. The numerous stories I've heard (and experienced myself) that demonstrate this experience make me pause. Recognizing this list is not at all comprehensive, I write this in hopes of calling out those situations that trap us into crazy-making doubt.
If you are/have been silenced, identify this experience for what it is… and not a reflection of who you are. When you’re told in some way to “Shhhhh. Don’t speak that. Don’t show that. Don’t be that,” step back and create space to find your truth. Then Stand up. Speak out. And be you. Let your story be told. Let your truth be shared. Let yourself be heard. You’re undoubtedly worth this.Journeying with you,
Some time ago I had a personal epiphany I’d like to share
with you in the hopes my growth and learning could be of use, or that you might
find some of your truth in my own.
I have always really sucked at setting boundaries and not been entirely clear why that is. In most instances, boundary violations were small, like paper cuts, and never seemed worth the potential conflict to address them. So I would sit in my discomfort and resentment until those paper cuts grew to gaping wounds. From there I tended to respond in one of two ways: cut and run far far away from the relationship, or flip-out and come across as an irrational, crazy person. As you can imagine, neither of these responses have been particularly helpful for my personal growth or the development of healthy relationships.
Before I disclose much more, it might be helpful to share my definition of boundaries with you. It is:
The ability to set limits with people about what is and is not acceptable to protect the various dimensions of our lives including (but not limited to): our bodies, relationships, time, emotions, life stories, money, roles, physical space, and belongings. (I’m going to break this down those dimensions in more depth at the end of this post; you can read more about it if you’re interested.)
If you apply this definition to your own life, you might realize that in some of these dimensions, setting boundaries comes quite easily. You can say “no” at work to protect your home life, if someone borrows something of yours and wrecks it, you can ask them to replace it, no problem. However, you might also find that in particular dimensions of your life, or with particular people, setting boundaries invokes a whole lot of fear and discomfort. In my case, when people overstep my “role” boundary of being a mother, or in close personal relationships where I fear losing that connection, setting boundaries has been near impossible.
Reflecting on this dilemma brought forth a light bulb, life-changing epiphany.
For those of you who took Psych 101, you might recall learning about Cooley’s “looking glass self.” The general idea of this theory is that the way we perceive ourselves is based on the way others see us. Our perception of self is reflected back to us in the thoughts and feelings of others. Our brains are also wired to remember the bad and disregard the good, so typically those negative reflections stand out much more profoundly than the positive.
In my life, not only did those negative reflections stand out, but I believed them to be TRUTH . Not in every area of my life, but certainly in judgments about my motherhood, and certainly in close relationships with people who know me very well (notice these are the areas where I struggled the most with boundaries). Thus to maintain my sense of self, and sense of self-worth in these very vulnerable areas required ensuring the looking glass always reflected positive things about me. Otherwise I was flooded with shame, an emotion one typically tries to avoid at all costs. And that is a tiring dance, my friends, a dance that also gives away a lot of personal power. Plus, sometimes people just aren’t going to like you. I had to learn to stop giving these people the power to define who I was. I had to fix the broken looking glass so that at the end of the day, only my perception of self mattered.
This is how my story connects to boundaries: setting boundaries is nearly impossible if you lack a sense of self and self-worth. This is the foundation of boundaries, the first and most important step. If you have not developed a strong connection with self, the skills to self-validate, and the confidence to keep you rooted in who you are, you will struggle in this area.
My process of connection with self has been a slow one. It grew when I became a mom. It thrived when I found passion in education. It blossomed through meditation and connection to spirituality. It continues to flourish through passions and interests, and grows deeper and more rooted surrounded by a few good people who know and love all of me.
And I’m happy to report, boundaries aren’t so hard these days.
I hope some of my journey might illuminate some of your path as well.
Until next time,
* Read on below if you are interested in more information about boundaries