I recounted a story to my family recently about how my daughter was taking foreeeeeeeeeeeever to complete a homework assignment and my less than patient self was not taking well to the number of hours involved, nor the dramatic sighs and tears that came about because it wasn’t quite, drumroll please… “perfect.” The same scene played out in her attempt to start a drawing, intently following an online tutorial. What started off as a fun activity was soon marked by more dramatic sighs and huffs of frustration when she struggled to perfect a cartoon image of a crayon box. A crayon box, folks.

My brother laughed… ”I wonder where she gets that from!?” He was looking straight at me. It’s true, she comes by this fury honestly. In that moment, I sat within a flood of memories that mirrored the desperate energy my daughter had exuded… the need to make something “just so.” Her version of “just so” was to have her drawing look exactly like the artist’s she was copying and anything less would surely be shameful, worthy of judgment and end any need to pick up a pencil again. Now, I don’t know for sure if that was her internal dialogue, but here’s the thing: it would have been mine, and many others… those of us who strive for perfection in what we do and who we are.

Let’s quickly differentiate perfectionism from healthy striving, as these are very different experiences. Healthy striving is about improvement, achievement and even excellence and these efforts come from a place of empowerment and confidence. Perfectionism on the other hand is about acceptance and approval. It’s a way of living, acting and looking driven by our concern of other’s perceptions… including our own. Inflexible thinking, anxiety, guilt, comparison, unreasonable standards and self-criticism are all part of the game perfectionism plays. It has a way of trapping the whole of our identity and worth in what we do, how well we do it and how we’ll be thought of along the way. Therefore, we hustle to please and perform in our quest to perfect. It is stifling. It is exhausting. And it can be paralyzing.

Perfectionism has many faces but ultimately comes down to fear. Cut through the layers of our efforts to be the perfect partner, the perfect worker, the perfect student, the perfect hostess, the perfect athlete, the perfect parent and you will arguably find fear. Fear of what you ask? If you’re curious, consider this: What is it you don’t want to experience or be perceived as when you’re striving to… perfect the blog post, birthday party, presentation, figure/physique, home, business plan, grade point average, parenting strategy, meal, family image, performance? Whatever it is we’re avoiding… that is our fear.

As Brene Brown suggests, perfectionism comes down to a fear of the world seeing us for what and who we really are: vulnerable, imperfect, and human. In this way, perfectionism becomes a “20 tonne shield” that seemingly protects us from judgment, shame, failure, hurt, and disappointing others, but at what cost? While depression, anxiety, and stress are rightfully cited in research, perfectionism also robs us of engaging in life just… as… we… are .

We convince ourselves we must become smarter, thinner, holier, funnier, calmer, richer… and ultimately “better” before we take any risks. We get trapped in an ever evolving chase for an ideal (who defines what this is, anyways?!) and can’t celebrate what we have going for us in the moment. We get paralyzed in fear of doing anything less than perfect and then miss out on opportunities and experiences. We don’t pursue dreams because we’re afraid of failing. We avoid deep conversations because our vulnerabilities may show through but are then losing out on authentic relationships and intimate connection. We showcase our Pinterest inspired décor and beautifully groomed children, catering to how we’ll be perceived rather than sharing from a place of enjoyment and pride.

But guess what? We can put down this shield and call out the many lies perfectionism feeds us. We can step into our life and claim ourselves to be worthy, just… as… we… are, without the hustle.

This is not exhaustive, but here are a few perfection-busting strategies:

• Learning how perfectionism works within our life
• Identifying and challenging our fears
• Embracing our humanness (yes, that means we make mistakes and aren’t perfect)
• Evaluating our expectations and standards
• Taking charge of our inner critic and letting go of judgment
• Daring to be creative and making a mess (color outside of the lines… it really is ok!)
• Trying something new

What are some ways you’ve overcome perfectionism?

Starting later this month, I’ll be co-facilitating a 5-week workshop for women who want to quit the hustle to perfection and bravely live life… beautifully and imperfectly. Contact us if you think that may be you!

Journeying with you,

Laurie